UNTIL WE GO BACK TO DISCIPLING BOYS, IN THE NEXT 5 YEARS, WE WILL HAVE WOMEN AS THE BREADWINNERS IN 70 PERCENT TO 80 PERCENT HOMES
ONCE WE SEE THE SIGNS OF GAMOPHOBIA (FEAR OF MARRIAGE AND COMMITMENT) IN THE PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY, WE ADVISE YOU TO RUN BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE AND WE DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE IN THE NAME OF PLAYING RELIGION
GOD IS TOUCHED WITH EVERYTHING THAT TOUCH HIS CHILDREN
WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD BECOMES HEALTHY, IT WILL REFLECT IN YOUR PRAYER STYLE
YOU CAN TALK TO GOD ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE ISSUES AND FEELINGS
MANY BOYS ARE OF MARRIAGEABLE AGE BUT THEY ARE NOT MARRIAGEABLE BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE VISION AND DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN
HOW CAN YOU SAY IDEAS DON’T MATTER AND GIVE SOMEONE THAT HAS NO IDEA TO COMMUNICATE TO LEAD THE ENTIRE COUNTRY
THERE ARE BROKEN MARRIAGE COUNSELLORS WHO WILL PASS THEIR INJURIES AND FEARS TO YOU
FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. FEAR IS A SIGN THAT WE ARE NOT YET AWARE THAT GOD IS IN CHARGE
WE ALL EXPERIENCE LIFE AND WE ARE CHANGING. YOU WILL NOT BE AS YOUNG AS YOU ARE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS
FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER FOR SOMETHING BEYOND THEIR BODY AND LOOKS
IF THERE IS ANY FEAR RECOMMENDED AT ALL FOR MARRIAGE TO WORK IT IS THE FEAR OF GOD
LEARN TO MAINTAIN YOUR ATTRACTIVENESS. AS A MARRIED WOMAN DON’T TIE WRAPPER UP AND DOWN. YOU ARE NOT THE WIFE OF amadioha.
AS A GIRL, BE CAREFUL AS YOU SERVE IN CHURCH SO YOU DON’T BECOME A MAN WHILE SERVING
BECOME FRIENDS WITH YOUR SPOUSE. WHY SHOULD YOU MARRY SOMEBODY YOU CAN’T TALK TO?
PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF CHANGES BECAUSE THEY DON’T COMMUNICATE
MAKE SURE WHAT FASCINATES YOU IN A WOMAN DOESN’T BECOME AN idol
AS A HUSBAND, WHAT YOUR GARDEN IS (YOUR WIFE) IS A REFLECTION OF YOUR SKILLS
THERE IS A WAY YOU CAN BE WRONG AND STILL SUCCEED BUT YOU WILL NOT BE COMPLETE
NOBODY SHOULD BE EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAILED FOR LEAVING ANYBODY
–Â Apostle Femi Lazarus on ‘GAMOPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF COMMITMENT AND MARRIAGE’ at Sunday Service|| SLC Global || 12th November 2023 ||
We are dealing with a very important subject and some people may want to ask, ‘Why delve into this subject?’…because God is touched with everything that touches His children. Everything that affects our lives affects Him. Hebrews 4:15. So, whatever touches our lives, touch Him. Whatsoever affects us, affect Him. Anything that is important to us is important to Him, you must understand that.
God is not a Nigerian, African, or American. God is God. Somehow, your experience affects your perception. It does, for a long time. It affects the way you perceive God. In fact, I feel when we get to Heaven, the people that will need rehabilitation the most are Nigerians because we have suffered. Let me give you an example and this is not a way to water down anything, Okay? Church Gist. Our perception has been so altered that even when they use something in the United Kingdom and send it here we call it new and we do that even to everything. I won’t mention those things. In fact, there are second, first grade, or whatever, socks, yes, even boxers. There is a reason I’m saying what I’m saying.
Some people come from families that your birthdays are not considered essential because the problem on ground is already too many. Who has time for your birthday? ‘Today is my birthday’ ‘Ehen? Call me when you need money’ So, that goes a long way to make us feel that God also is not touched by many things. When your relationship with God becomes healthy, one of the things that will happen is that it will reflect in your prayer style. Church Gist. I think a lot, so one time, I stood in front of our house and I was hearing a Church, they were praying. Then, we lived for a while at a place, Lagos-Ibadan expressway, Ibafo. So, I was hearing that Church and I was hearing ‘Holy Ghost fire, Holy Ghost’ I have no issue, absolutely not. So, I started asking myself, ‘Why is everything this hard?’ When you clap, clap, clap, when your eye turns, you fall. They say ‘That’s it. Viewers all over the World, watch your screen, that’s it’…and I watch people like Benny Hinn, ‘Holy Spirit, you are welcome’ and the power of God is everywhere. Why are our lives hard?…and I discovered that it is our background. We have become so unaccessible. It’s a fact.
So, an average believer will rather think, ‘If I have made a mistake, I should not go to Church’ because the perception of God that you have is the one that He waits for you to come to His presence and then destroy you with judgement. Do you know that you can talk to God about your marriage issues? Yes. You can talk to God about your feelings, that if you are having inordinate feelings, you can tell God. Church Gist. ‘So, Baba it has happened. This is what is going on. I know you know, but it appears you will not do anything until I tell you because that is actually the truth. What do we do now?’ and God will not say ‘A whole you?’ How many of you can pray like that? and just feel like hugging God? You say, ‘The Bible says nobody can see Him and live. He is a consuming fire’ but Jesus came and gave us a proper definition. He is Abba, Daddy. There is a reason why I’m saying this because many times, the reason why we have these issues is because of our perception of God and of His people. It’s the perception.
Many people don’t know that before stepping out to teach every time I’m close to tears or I’ve had to wipe away tears. I’m not teaching for teaching’s sake. What I’m saying is very real to me. Not teaching because I have to teach on a Sunday morning…and most times, for some of these serious challenges, we seem not to have messages that deal with them in their depth. It is one thing to talk about something by revelation, it is another thing to know the depth. These things have depth and there is a dying world we need to connect with their depth. The devil has gone farther than you think. Church Gist. Where are you? People are dealing with masturbation and pornography. That’s where you are? The devil has gone farther than that. Things are happening. That’s the truth…and the same thing about parenting, the same thing affecting the Church. Some parents cannot connect with their children’s depth. They think the children are novices and children know that it is the parent that is a novice, both of them are novices. They don’t understand their generation, they know.
So, there are new complexities that we have to deal with as the Church and we have to understand them. So, let me not bore you. ‘Dealing With The Fear Of Marriage, what is called Gamophobia’ is real. The fear of commitment in marriage is real, very real. Some people’s relationship was going well until they began to talk about taking it to the next level, then either the guy or the girl bout and ran away because they had no issues with falling in love, they have issues with commitment…and in fact, it is even more real outside the country. Church Gist. Why people don’t want to get married is because any little mistake, the girl can report you to the police and they deport you even if you are the one that brought the girl to America and that’s the end, or those who have made so much money…look at the wife of Jeff Bezos, just filed for divorce and took half of the money, just like that. What do you think other young billionaires will be thinking? ‘It can’t be me’ You have many of your football stars, they would rather have a girlfriend with children than to commit. So, people have reasons why they are nursing that fear.
I’m just reintroducing now that the cause of this issue varies from person to person. It can be as a result of seeing wrong patterns or even experiencing one or maybe somebody who has been married before. One of the areas I hope to shed light on is the area of divorce and remarriage. Scriptures…and I’ve said it again and again. There are people to run away from that we hope that the person you’re marrying is not like this. Once we see the signs we advise you to run because you will die and we don’t want you to die in the name of playing religion. I’ve seen cases, somebody’s wife is dying in the hospital, just blood transfusion will save her life. He says, ‘My doctrine does not permit that’ The Woman will die, he will cry, they will bury her then marry another one. You see that now? But let me touch on something. There is a crisis, there is a big crisis now in the Body of Christ. There is a crisis, big issue. Until we go back to discipling boys, in another 5 years, we will have situations whereby 80 percent to 70 percent of homes, women are the breadwinners. We have left the boys. Many of them are of marriageable age but they are not marriageable. Why? They either don’t have vision, passion, direction, or training, many don’t even know what it means to be a man and if you call for meetings they are the ones that will not come. Church Gist. The most difficult person to talk to is the man. The most difficult person to train is the guy. The most difficult person to instruct is the guy because this thing called ego seems to give the male man the impression that ‘Nobody can talk to me and I know everything’ and they are doing marriage badly and frustrating the girls.
So, this is the issue. The average girl has been told that ‘Marriage is the definition of your worth’ Nonsense! So, they would rather marry stupid boys than to wait. Who says that? Nonsense! There are many ideologies we will smash. Who gave you age to marriage? It is better to wait than to marry a fool. You marry somebody, the person can’t carry the size of your dream, you are the one pulling the person, you are the one thinking better. He is not intuitive, he is not a leader. Church Gist. People just go about and say ‘I am ready to marry’ With what? The way some boys are makes marriage scary for the girls. They are also part of the cause of Gamophobia themselves. It’s the fact, I’m telling you issues. You need to go and hear stories and see the kind of men some women have married. Only somebody that is under judgement should have married this one. Some men are judgement to the women that finds them. It is the truth and some women are judgement too. We have to help the boys. It’s an emergency. We have to rescue the boys.
In the past one decade, many ministries to the girl child, women empowerment, the girls are getting it right. I have a platform where I personally disciple people who are called to a global scale of leadership. Till now, all my students on that platform are ladies. It’s not like I don’t have boys that I can add but they are too arrogant to learn or they don’t even know what they want to do. Church Gist. These are girls already working with the United Nations, doing different things. You give them an assignment, they will do it. The boys? They won’t. In fact, personally, I don’t teach in marriage counselling anymore. I don’t take any classes and I won’t. Not for the girls, but for the boys, too big to learn.
You want to have an event and you are inviting a Nigerian president as the Keynote speaker. People like Obasanjo tried because he is a vibrant person. I’m not trying to be nepotistic, I’m just telling you the fact, you have the statistics. Goodluck Jonathan, he looks like he started watering down a bit but he can still pass. It just looks like after that moment something started happening to us. You will give somebody that has no idea how to communicate, to lead the entire Country and you say ideas don’t matter? ‘It’s not about speaking, it’s about leading. We hit the ground running’ In the Country that has women like Okonjo Iweala but she’s a woman. Church Gist. Look at what Dora Akunyili did in her lifetime, but she’s a woman. Something has happened to us. Unfortunately, the girls too have chiseled the size of their dreams because they are women. It’s time to redefine these odds. I’m not trying to attack the male gender but I’m saying there is an emergency. Let’s wake up to this. Haven trained, discipled, equipped girls…the boys that will marry them, it’s like you’re trying to use firewood to light a candle. I know what I’m saying. There is an emergency and it’s time we get it right.
I’ve not still entered, I’m trying to enter. I can see the walls, the traditions, we will break them.
There is this platform that use to copy my message and they have to report it. I appreciate you but please know what not to copy, know what not to report. I appreciate the publicity but please, sometimes it is more problem than the good it should do.
Gamophobia can exist in different forms:
1: Individuals scared of getting married and have made up their minds not to. Scared of getting married and had said ‘I’m never going to get married’.
2: Individuals scared of getting married but are already about to get married even with the fears. ‘Let’s just face it’.
3: Individuals scared of getting married but are already married and being haunted by their fears. Things are already happening and they are saying to themselves, ‘You see why I don’t want to get married before? You see why I wanted to be on my own?’.
9 Causes of Gamophobia:
1: Dysfunctional background
2: Environment
3: Trauma
4: Experience with a wrong partner
5: Wrong counsel. Not everybody who is old is eligible to counsel and there are broken marriage counsellors. Church Gist. They are marriage counsellors but they are broken and battered. When you hear counsel from a broken person, they will communicate their injuries and they will give you fears that nothing around you necessitates it and their fears become your fears and once you carry that fear it will curate your problem. Fear has a way of attracting what you are afraid of and that’s why Job said ‘What I feared greatly has finally come’ A lot of people have issues in marriage and they say ‘You see, you see now. This is what I was afraid of’ That’s it. That’s the spirit.
6: Wrong Exposure
7: Spiritual attacks
8: Past mistakes
9: Lack of trust in oneself. Some people feel they are not good enough for any partner. So, ‘I don’t trust myself to be able to handle you, to be able to take care of you, to be able to be there for you. I don’t trust myself to be the kind of husband you want or you need or the kind of wife you need’ and so on and so forth. Some people have that issue also.
I broke down my next conversation into two so that we can be more specific. I want to help you highlight what each gender is afraid of about each other.
1 John 4:18. So, fear is not from God. Fear is a sign that we are not yet aware that God is in charge. If there is any fear at all recommended for marriage to work, it is the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21. 2 Timothy 1:7. So, I discovered that we need to discuss certain things. Why are men afraid of commitment? Why are women afraid of commitment? What are the possible reasons why they are afraid of commitment? What are they afraid of? Let’s highlight the both genders. Church Gist. People may be good looking, intelligent, intuitive, but they don’t want to commit. They have everything going well and at the same time, they tell themselves that ‘Marriage is not in my books for now’ Why? So, let’s check a few peculiar…and this is actually from a serious research. So, I didn’t just sit down and say this, this, this, no. Everything I’m teaching here is from serious research and that’s why it can resonate with a lot of people. It’s not just from the crumbs.
1: This is a very serious reason, a serious issue in the world of men – Many men are afraid of changes a woman will make as time goes by. Let’s deal with this in different areas. Many men are afraid. They look at the girl, ‘Okay, you are sounding well now, you are making sense now, you are humble now, you are loving now, but when we say ‘We do’ hope you will not change?’ They’ve seen other things in the lives of their friends. The loving girl that the friend married, the Uncle and all that…and that suddenly changed and she didn’t want to see people anymore. ‘Nobody comes to greet us in our house. This is our matrimonial home’…and sometimes, that is not the kind of fear that they have. Church Gist. They are afraid that ‘This person that is looking figure 8 now, shey you will not blow? Hope this person is just not going to get big and how will I be able to cope?’ Sometimes, we have to be very real. They are afraid that ‘By the time children start coming, what will you look like?’ They start to imagine what will be the aftermath of raising children. ‘Will she still be fine? Will she still make sense? How will she treat my friends and family? What can change?’ Well, news flash, the Woman is not the only one changing, you are changing too. That’s the fact. We all experience life and we change. You will not be as young as you are in the next 10 years. You are changing. Your hairline is already going inside and she too didn’t plan to marry a man that is bald or semi bald or potentially bald which is okay…and sometimes, it’s the size of your stomach. Eating good food and it’s shooting out and she also likes six-pack and you have changed.
There is this sense of pride men have that you get to have more of your youthfulness even at 40 and 50 compared to a woman. It’s not so true. It depends on how both genders use their body. That’s the fact. Can I give a balance to this issue? This is the balance…fall in love with your partner for something beyond their body, beyond their looks. Fall in love with the spirit, with the orientation, with the mind. Church Gist. I’m not saying looks don’t matter. It’s okay. God is not a killer of joy. He’s not going to give you what you don’t like. God has never forced marriage on anybody. ‘I didn’t like her but God insisted’ You didn’t hear well, that’s not God.
Our definition of love must not be shallow. Everybody makes changes and that’s why marriage is not for boys, it’s for men. How do you know a boy? He is not emotionally mature. The wife is pregnant, she is throwing up, he’s covering his nose. You married her. He’s throwing a towel, he’s saying ‘Just be fine’ That’s a boy. A real man is daddy. He fathers the Woman. He is many things to her. Church Gist. Marriage is not for the surface. Even your children that you give birth to, they will not remain children, they change. So, change happens and there are negative changes that people have experienced that inform their fears much more and we have to talk about that. For instance, one of the things you must learn how to do either as a male or a female, is to learn to maintain your attractiveness. Some women can be careless. ‘We are married now’ It’s wrapper up and down. They’ve even learned how to tie it around their neck. This same you that was smart, wearing correct stuff, now they don marry you, 2 weeks na wrapper when you are not the Wife of amadioha, you’re not doing Osun-Osogbo River, but it’s wrapper, you’re not carrying sacrifice. What I’m trying to say is that, package yourself in such a way that you will not be a ‘dealing’ to your spouse. Do you know what a dealing is? That God is dealing with you by giving you this person. That’s a dealing. More like a cross. Don’t make yourself a cross.
In marriage, people don’t talk sincerely. Some men don’t like hair ties or scarves, tell her. Don’t say ‘You know, that book of 1 Corinthians’ Shut up! ‘I don’t like this, you are my wife, remove it. When you make this hairstyle, it makes your face change’ Say it. This jumping from 0-100 is a sign that we are not wise. Become friends, why should you marry somebody you can’t talk to? I don’t think it is a big conversation to tell your spouse ‘You have bad breath’ It’s not a big deal. Being real is not a big deal. Church Gist. ‘How far now? Dey chop chew gum so this thing go dey clear’ You tell each other as what? (Friends) Not that you’re dying silently and just regretting. Tell her. ‘I like you better in a skirt than in trousers or on trousers than in a skirt’ Say it. Many of these things can be controlled…because the African culture is not built on sincerity. It is built on psychopathy. We like psychopaths. Those who sing our praise songs even when you are not doing well.
I taught a message, ‘What many men are afraid to tell their wives and what women are afraid to tell their husbands’ Deep one. You are not ready for it I would have given you. Anyone who attended that meeting knows we shattered table. Think of the worst thing in this life that a pastor will not be free to say, I said it. I told them. Many of them will go back home and begin to talk. ‘I shouldn’t be married and not talking’ People are afraid of changes because they don’t communicate. That’s the kind of changes you make. I would have loved to say some things but they are 18 plus. Church Gist. You know, one time we invited a woman to come and talk to us about relationships during service. She came, said…we were Corpers (National Youth Service Corps Members) she said, ‘There are many things I would have loved to say but you know, you people are young people’ Nonsense! The daughter that was in Secondary School, I was the one counselling the girl, the girl has gone far. Mama is saying ‘You people are young people’ to Corpers.
People make changes and sometimes you have things that fascinate you in a woman. Be sure where they are coming from cause they can become idols. The word the Bible uses to describe the man who is married is ‘Husband’ That word describes one that beautifies a garden like a gardener. What your garden is, is a reflection of your skill including how your wife dresses. I have more designs for women for my wife on my phone than designs for myself. I check I send, ‘Check this out’ because I don’t want to stand on the altar and say ‘I wish I didn’t marry my wife’ No! Everything you want your spouse to be she can be except the one you are trying to make her be something outside God because there are men that are narcissists. Church Gist. They will tell you that you have to do some surgery so your nose can be like the nose of this…you have to do some lips something, you put silicon in your breast so it can be pointed. This person looks like he’s remaking you like God did not make you enough. That kind of person, once he starts talking, run! Just pack your load, pack your shoe, don’t even wear the shoe, pack the shoe and run. So, people are afraid of changes and changes are real, some changes are scary though but they can be managed. So, men are afraid of changes a woman will make as time goes by, both character and physiological.
2: Many men are afraid of insubordination. Proverbs 21:19. Quarreling, always quarreling. Picking fights with husband, with neighbours, with everything., always quarreling. If NEPA (National Electric Power Authority) takes light, quarrel, everything quarrel. Many people don’t know what it means to nag. Those who don’t know what it means to nag are the ones that nag. They say you are nagging, you say ‘No, I’m not nagging. Is this what they call nagging?’ ‘You are arguing with me’ You say ‘No, I’m not arguing. Is this argument?’ According to them, they have not even brought out the cat from the bag, ‘I am just getting started’ Do you have the capacity for peace? When I ask this question, unless you are experienced you will think it’s a joke. Church Gist. Some people don’t have the capacity for peace. They by themselves can quarrel with themselves. Like, they are quarrelsome. I need to give a very clear explanation. Everything gets them pissed and they will not keep quiet. They will have the last say. You can’t argue with them and be the last person to talk. They will have the last say and the worst mistake you can make is to tell them ‘I forgive you’. I forgive you means they were wrong. ‘You said you forgive me? Me? You must be an idiot. Do you know the number of things in this house that I’m taking for you? You are now saying you forgive me?’ They will prefer to win an argument than to have a home. That’s dangerous…and sometimes, this may sound a bit striking but it’s true and I have proof. It’s because we raise first born girls like men. Yes, many times, sometimes that’s the problem. I know that’s a very bitter pill to swallow but it’s the truth.
In fact, an opportunity to serve in Church as a girl can destroy your home. I’ve called some of you before several times, be careful as you serve so you don’t become a man while serving. ‘Hey! You, go do that there! Hey you!’ Boys cannot marry another man. You have to first be a girl. Now, what is fascinating about a girl is your feminine nature, your softness. When a guy sees anything hard he confronts it. When he sees anything soft he protects it, except for a stupid guy. That word (Stupid) is not an insult, it’s in context. Church Gist. There is no way we can deal with this and not be hard. So, even if you are serving in a Church….so let’s say for instance, you are a pastor and your husband is a member. Let me tell you, there are compromises to make. People came late to Church, workers. You now said, ‘Everybody be on your feet now! They are talking to you, you came late to this Church’ Your husband is among them. Yoruba will say ‘If you don’t eat yam because of oil, you will eat the oil because of the yam’ Sometimes once you see that this person, (Your husband is among them) just say ‘Everybody just sit down, this is the last warning’ and move on.
– Let’s get into something.
What does it mean to be insubordinate?
It means the refusal to obey someone of a higher rank. ‘I can’t bend, I can’t bow to nobody. No man can talk to me anyhow. I’m one woman MOPOL (Mobile Police)’ There is a way you can be wrong and still succeed but you will not be complete. It would be clear that you could have been more but you did not become, but you can succeed. Church Gist. The issue is that people who teach some things don’t understand the depth so you make people look like ‘If you are getting this wrong, this is the result’ and it’s not true. They are saying, ‘I’m getting it wrong, but I’m not getting that result, so there’s something I know that you don’t know’ You can be successful even when you are wrong but you can’t be complete. If we don’t put things in the pattern God has ordained we would have issues. So, the issue is this. This is the balance…as a woman that is getting into marriage, you just make up your mind, ‘I am marrying you because you are a leader indeed and I submit to your leadership. I have vetted you, I have checked, this is not just an emotional decision. I have looked at you and you are a man worth submitting to’ Don’t marry somebody who is not worth submitting to only to now force it down our throats, you married what you married. Check! ‘Can I follow your leadership? What does it look like? What is the quality of your decisions?’ These are things to check while you are single, not just your best colour, your best food and all that. We get too carried away by the emotions. It’s life you are about to do together for God’s sake, it’s life. So, you look at the person, the way things are going as you converse. ‘When this person decides, what’s the quality of that decision? Where is he coming from? What are the qualities of a man that makes decisions? Copy and paste in the future what kind of son will he make?’ Those are the kinds of things to check and you observe from small things.
I remember listening to this story, because it’s public I can say it, the story of DDK (Debola Deji Kurunmi), described a time when her husband and herself when they were dating. I think they went to the market to buy something and the car the guy was using at that point, the car broke down in the market. He tried everything he could. He just told her, ‘Bola come down let’s push this car’ She said when he said that statement, ‘This is the guy I’m going to marry’ He wasn’t insecure and was trying to claim who he’s not because he want to please a woman. Church Gist. I’m not saying you should not make your woman happy but let a woman know the condition she’s meeting you. That even shows us that you are a visionary man. Not like you are lying. Any good woman will understand that…and she looks at you and says ‘With the way this person is walking, with the quality of his…no, he’s going to get there. I’m going to join him and support him’ In fact, a woman loves a man that she can partner with. So, women are not afraid of your financial level. They are afraid that the financial level is what it is and there is no vision to take it to the next level, that’s what they are afraid of. They are not afraid of the level you are. Nobody should be emotionally blackmailed for leaving anybody. If you don’t show signs of the future, they will leave you.
It can be both ways. A girl that you want to marry must have the capacity to carry your dreams. If she is talking upside down like one who is selling traditional medicine (Agbo) you drop her.
I had a conversation with one of my pastors, so I asked him, I said, ‘Why won’t you just go where they are selling traditional medicine (Agbo)? You don’t know what traditional medicine (Agbo) is. Do you know what it is?’ I don’t know. I’m not about to explain, ask your neighbor. So I said ‘Why won’t you just go there?’ I’m not saying it’s a crime. Why won’t you just see someone on the Street and say ‘You’re the One for me because you’re beautiful’ because you understand the power of orientation? Church Gist. A very fine person with poor orientation will make a mess of your life so, you understand at that level that you are marrying more than a person, you are marrying an orientation. What is your orientation about peace? About submission? What quality of woman are you when it comes to submission, when it comes to peace? How do you argue with your friends? What’s the nickname they’ve given you, Margaret Thatcher?
So, I like to have…if you see me when I’m discussing with the boys, there is no filter. I like to have…I’m the normal…I can blend into any system. Take me to where they are smoking weed you’ll be amazed at how I’ll blend into their reality. Forget about this suit we are wearing, we are rugged. I’m not a conventional person so, I do have interesting conversations with the boys and I thank God for them because they don’t hold back and I ask questions and when I ask questions, I make observations and I say ‘My God, I just wish everybody can know this’ Church Gist. Many people conclude things in Church that you think they have not even thought about, but they’ve thought about it, gone beyond that and made their conclusion. People are deeper than they look. That’s the truth. So, insubordination, men are afraid of that. ‘I like my peace than to marry a quarrelsome woman’ because even in the relationship every day, fights, tomorrow, this. Relationship of 3 years, they block each other like 90 times. ‘You, you, you, chop blocking’ (They block the person) and then after a while, another friend will call them and say ‘You people are fighting, calm down, don’t fight’ They will unblock each other and send each other ‘Hi’ and say ‘I’m good’
‘What are you eating this morning?’
‘Akamu’
‘Okay, take care’
‘You too’
People that used to video call before will now go to audio call:
‘Hi, you’re good today?’
He says ‘Yes’
‘Okay, just want to say hello’ Not I wanted to hear your voice o, ‘I wanted to say hello’
‘Fine’
After that one, you agree again, another fight. If a relationship is healthy, people have misunderstandings but the challenge we have with this your relationship is how far you go when you have misunderstandings. This one has already torn…’Is this the cloth you bought for me?’ (Tears it) ‘This is what you gave me on my birthday. Nonsense! What will I do with a rose? Because I just collected it?’ (Destroys the Rose).
It doesn’t matter how funny they sound, they are more real in marriage.
3: Men are afraid of emotional numbness in women. 90 percent of cases where women lost the men around their lives is because they are not expressive. You say ‘I’m not an expressive person’ You are losing the guy. We have seen books and people saying that women are complex, women are deep. Men are deeper. The one that will talk, we will know you have a problem. We will know and attend to it. The one that will not talk but make decisions, that person is complex. Church Gist. The issue of emotional numbness, let me tell you what it means. It means one is not able to respond in certain degrees of emotions either to reciprocate certain expressions. Many people are too churchy for the ideal marriage they want. They are numb. They are not just numb, they are novices. Apologies, but that is just the fact. This is the reason why bad girls marry good boys because the bad girl is not clueless. The good girl is clueless. Once we tie…let me not mention…people don’t want to teach this so people do not misunderstand them. Misunderstand me but just get what I’m saying.
I’m saying that: the way you are acting in Church, too strict, ‘Hello, Hi, this, this’ The boys around your life are suspecting you that you will not change if they marry you and they are afraid of living with a woman who can not respond emotionally. One who is not emotional, they know. We are not saying you should become a bad girl, get what I’m saying but we are saying Church has created a culture of pretense that we don’t have people express themselves.
I want to give an example so you can understand what I’m saying. It doesn’t matter whether ‘Beauty is in the eyes of the Beholder’ I’m not going there. If you want me to talk about the Eyes of the Beholder, that’s a level, I’ll talk about that. If you want me to talk about it as a reality, I will talk about that but let me leave it at the level of it is in the eyes of the Beholder. But let me also come out, let me stay in the middle so you can know the reality of how it will be. Church Gist. Whether beholder or no beholder, all of us dey behold but the issue is that what we are beholding differs. Help those who are beholding to give them something nice to behold. Don’t say that beauty is internal. Only God will reward you, on Earth you go suffer. That thing wey dey inside, manifest it. Some clothes are finer than others. Wearing make-up that fits you is better. Sometimes beret, it’s good for some, it’s not good for some. When you want to give a tailor cloth to sew, check the body of the Person wearing it and yours.
I’m not even sure we are ready for this one. Some girls are just numb, clueless because they think the way the guy is doing ‘Holy, holy, holy’ They think he’s also clueless meanwhile, the guy knows something. They have a conversation, she’s not responding. She doesn’t know what to say.
Some people are very nice until they get married, they are emotionally numb, they don’t even know the needs of the Man and vice versa because I’m going to deal with the issue of the Woman too. They don’t know the needs. They’ve not prepared themselves for that kind of need. The girl who is married who hates sex. ‘Which kind of thing sef’ Don’t marry o.
Sometimes, the most difficult person to marry is the Church girl because they don’t even know anything. Now, I’m trapped because I’ve entered and I have to come out. There are women we insult in the Bible but there are lessons to learn from them. One of them is Jezebel. Jezebel might be a bad woman, she was a good wife. The man will be disturbed, she’ll say ‘Relax. What is your problem? Go and eat. Consider it done’. Delilah, you’ll say ‘Ehn, she cut off the head of Samson’ but at least she knows how to make a mighty man put his head on her lap. You, your own, (Speaking in tongues) You’ll say ‘It’s the anointing of the Holy Ghost’ Wedding night, your husband wants to touch you, (You’re speaking in tongues) You better calm down. ‘Father, take away all the anointing now, I didn’t beg you for this’ Church Gist. Time to be with your husband (You’re speaking in tongues) You make prayer look as if the man is an infidel. Meanwhile, you are the one who doesn’t know how to time your prayer. He wants to touch you, you say ‘Shall we pray now? Let’s pray 30 minutes in tongues. Father as we are about to start…’ I know you are laughing because you feel it’s not possible, meanwhile, e dey happen.
4: Men are afraid of marrying women who are extremely independent. Let me explain. There is something called extreme independence. It is important that everybody should have their own money, do their stuff and all that but there are women coming with the mentality of ‘I can do without you’ Why marry if you are ready to do without the person immediately or just like that. ‘What do you have? Who are you?’ Let me say this to you. When I was talking with my wife and we were talking about some things, settling some matters and I said to her, ‘The most difficult Women to marry or to live in peace with are people who don’t mind living alone’ There are people that are strong and they will stay unmarried. It looks like strength but it is negative strength. Church Gist. It is not strength, it is a weakness. Be soft, be tender, be compassionate, be loving, being fragile is not a weakness. It is a serious matter I’m talking about here and I think that is the extreme of the Women’s emancipation people because sometimes you take it too far and we have something else. That’s the extreme. There is a balance. Yes, be strong, yes, be independent, yes, have money and all those things. Get to the top of your career but understand what marriage is and when you are in it, be loving, go all the way. You can get it right in every sphere of your life. You can get it right in your career and still get it right in marriage.
We have people, they are saying ‘Yes I do but if you try nonsense I don’t’ So, when there are matters, instead of us having a case where we can help you arrange the matter, one person is coming with the mindset of ‘If it will break let it break’ You can never settle it. Any home that will work, both people have decided ‘This will work’ If it is from one person, the other person will pull it down and we have to understand that. Extreme independence, it’s a way we have Westernized marriage. Church Gist. Yes, there are conditions that necessitate running for your life but not small, small disputes. Threatening your husband with getting out of the house. ‘Talk to me like this again, I’m going to leave your house’ So, there is a way you’ll respond when you already have the mindset of leaving. You’ll be killing a heart with a sledgehammer. You’ll be overreacting because already you have options, that’s the word I was looking for. You have options.
When a man has alternatives there is a way he talks, he is comparing the wife with the alternative. ‘Try anything you want to try, this person is waiting’ That’s not the original design. Extreme independence. Married, don’t need your counsel, don’t need your leadership, don’t need nothing, it’s scary.
5: Disrespect and disregard. Particularly around money matters. ‘Now that this girl is all respecting and all good now that there is money. What will she look like if I’m going through a season that things are dry?’ Many men ask those questions. Unfortunately, there are exceptions. There are very few women that know how to handle abundance plus humility. That’s the unfortunate truth, we have to be balanced. There is a principle of cause and effect. We are not saying that it is necessarily right because of the cause, because you must learn also not to react. They say ‘To every action there is an equal but opposite reaction’ These are laws, they are scientific laws but we are not governed by those laws, we are governed by higher laws. Church Gist. So, some men have found out that women…you can only have a woman listening and all that, when she doesn’t have. So, they now come out with the worldly and devilish wisdom that if you have a woman, you want her to be humble, make sure she doesn’t have money. That’s devilish. Marry character in the first place. So, don’t marry somebody you will have to break. Already, you are taking an assignment you can’t finish. That’s devilish.
If you feel dishonoured and disrespected in your house you must keep emphasizing on it until it is gotten. Men love honour and sometimes what the woman calls honour is not what the man calls honour. Men hate abandonment. Honour is to show that you are preferred. Honour is to show that you have premium value. Honour is to show that this is the height. Honour is separation.
Let me tell you this, normal case. Honour is a way to any man’s heart and it doesn’t matter how busy and all those things you are as a woman. I’m going to use the illustration of the Church now for instance. Your first duty is to your spouse. Let me explain. In the Book of Ephesians 5, when Paul speaking about marriage, he used the comparison of the Church and Christ. Very important and that’s why I made this vice versa. Men too, your first duty is to your wife. Church Gist. Do you know ministry is a by-product of our intimacy with God? We don’t get carried away and leave the One who gave us in the first place. That’s the idea. Vashti lost it. The Women she was holding meetings with when the King called her, that meeting was possible because she was married to this guy. The moment she upheld her meeting above the calling of the King, she lost her crown. It is not of queens to do so, to walk in disregard This is what I’m saying, rudeness is a lazy man’s way of showing strength. Anybody who is rude has no self esteem. In fact, it is one of the markers of low self esteem, rudeness.
Sometimes, I see people come on my timeline, maybe I post a video, they don’t agree and they just insult me. Like, you could have asked for explanation. I don’t even have the time to go over these things. Somebody just comes, ‘Mumu’ and I’m like, ‘This person is going to get married’ People are carrying injuries, carrying bad character. Church Gist. I was somewhere and a young man just walked up to me. He said, ‘I have a confession’ I said ‘I’m listening’ He said ‘I’m one of those that used to troll you online’ ‘Okay, congratulations’ He said ‘But you have blocked me’ I said ‘On what platform?’ He said ‘Both Twitter and Facebook’ But because I have a very constant nature, 2 plus 2 is 4 for me all the time. The only people I block are those who use vulgar words. So, you want to learn from me but you now opened another account to be trolling me. I’m like, ‘Ah! Why? I will not unblock you. If I know the new one I will block it now, maybe you’ll have sense’ People are just funny. See, you have to make up your mind. What do you want? Do you want a home or you want to be a boss? Choose one. You have to make up your mind. You can’t have the both. You have to make up your mind.
There will be compromises when you make up your mind. There are things you’ll not be able to do. Peace is not attending to every matter. There are things you allow to slide and wait for the perfect time to bring them up. Two people can’t be foaming at the same time. This person is at the peak, soft words turn away wrath. It’s a Biblical principle. We are not subjugating anybody. It’s biblical. Church Gist. We must understand these things. In the home…insubordination, disrespect, disregard, these are issues. I’m not a relationship coach, I’m just teaching on relationships, wait till I enter another topic. But I’m glad when I see what this has done to the Body of Christ.
6: Don’t let me go there. I will give you another number 6 but on Tuesday I will teach this one. Don’t worry. Everything is best done in its time. We are going to build the atmosphere and once I see that you are ready for those body of knowledge I will teach it. Let me ask you this question before I give you number 6. Is it possible to have an issue with familiarity in marriage? Over familiarity…in fact, it is one of the very big issues in marriage. If you use Nigerian English they call it ‘See Finish’ I saw a movie years back, I can’t remember what year now. It may be as far back as 2005 or 2004. One of those old Yoruba movies, now I barely watch them except maybe the ones that are new guys with new orientation. We have movie night and all that. Church Gist. ‘So Apostle, you used to have movie night?’ Yes, pray that God will change me. So, the story is about a King, a very powerful King. One of the most powerful kings in the Yoruba Kingdom and all that. So, I think the wife, you know the way those days now, he was bathing and the wife was there and the wife asked ‘Is this you? Is this all that you are and people are afraid of you?’ The man said ‘I will show you all that I am’ So, he called the guards and said ‘Cut off the head’ I’m not saying that is a doctrine but I’m just showing you a story. What caused that? Familiarity. Why did Vashti not respond to the King when he called her? Familiarity. I think I once taught a message on ‘Letters on Vashti’ I’ve taught on many things in this life, but in her lifetime, she had not died and they were auditioning for her role because of dishonour. Familiarity…and that’s what happens.
Some people are still alive but there is a vacancy in their position because of familiarity. It kills marriages, it kills homes. People get over familiar with each other, no longer treat each other well the way they used to, no longer respect each other the way they used to.
Now, we are looking at this from the Men’s side, so don’t feel like I am one sided, we have not touched the Women at all. So, a man is looking at this and says ‘Yes, I know who I am, I know what I am’ So, let me give you an instance. I have a circle of friends and anybody who knows me knows that I relate with people based on the level of our relationship. I have friends that whether they are in my house or I go to their house, the first thing we do when we see each other for the first 5, 10 minutes is wrestling. The wife will be carrying phone and say ‘Don’t kill him’ My wife is carrying phone and saying ‘Hey, hey, hey’ and I say ‘I am going to give you the choke hold’ So, I have people that we relate to that extent. In fact, I have videos on my phone that if these videos should go out it’s a problem (Wahala) I have such relationships. Church Gist. I have very healthy relationships. I don’t believe that the anointing you carry should make you too big to do…you get what I’m saying? But the people that work with are the people that understand the switch. They know when he is a friend and they know when he is speaking as a prophet. Many women don’t know the switch. When he’s the Sweetheart and when he’s the Priest. When you can switch from cuddling to ‘Please, say a word’ it’s a vital switch in marriage, very important switch and once you don’t know the switch you’ll have issues…and most of my friends have gotten an amazing testimony and beautiful results by understanding the switch. At critical moments, they’ll just reach out and say ‘Ah! We can’t have you here and be going through this issue. Say a word’ My friends sow seeds into my life, understanding that now, this is not just a friend, this is the Apostle.
If God trusts you with a mighty man, can you know the switch? and not water him down and just talk and talk him down and say ‘Who are you? Go and sit down. Your mates are doing better’ That’s serious issues. The familiarity beclouds judgement. It affects marriages.
7: Some men are afraid of their space being invaded. I’m not saying all the fears I’m listing are all there are. I’m telling you the fears I’ve investigated. So, ‘When I marry now, it means somebody is going to be in my space all the time?’ Yes…but let me ask you a question. Are you aware that in marriage you will still need privacy? Are you aware? Do you usually need privacy? (To his wife). Good, so I don’t feel guilty because I always need privacy. Church Gist. When I’m going through some things, yes I am going to talk but first, I need to cave in and navigate. Until that has happened, men don’t know how to say it. When a man is going through a storm, the first thing he wants to do is not talk, it’s to understand it. For that to happen, he needs that moment and many women don’t understand, ‘Am I not your wife?’ A man is not the kind of Being you make to talk by saying you are not talking. Men are not like that. Once you are saying ‘You are not talking, all the time I walked up to you, you are not talking’ The worst that can happen is that he will tell you what you can handle.
Men! ‘Fear who no fear man’ He will look at you and say since you are a baby, ‘Okay, this, this, this’ What he has told you is less than 5 percent. Meanwhile, how do you get a man to talk? Create the environment. Start with ‘gisting’, do more of listening, allow him. Once he enters that flow, he will be rushing like Tap water and he will say, ‘I don’t even know why I’m saying this but this is it’ and while he’s talking, never you make it look like what he’s saying is too big. ‘You mean you went…’ When you say that he knows that you can’t handle it. Church Gist. Then he comes down to your level again. You need the heart of a mother to bring out the boy in a man. You better know what I’m teaching you now because you need to be deep. Marriage requires that you are deep if not you will be living in different worlds but if they ask you as the Woman, you will say you are united but the man knows it’s a lie. Somebody doesn’t seem to believe me. Don’t be a baby girl. When it comes to bringing out the boy, be a mother. Like Delilah, the head can stay on the lap and he’s just talking. Do you know how to make a man talk? Or you think you can blackmail a man into talking? ‘You’re not talking to me every time!’ ‘Fear who no fear man’ A man is not wired like that. He has complaints, he has fears. What he needs is the right atmosphere. Once the atmosphere is right, you have him and once you are the One he pours it to, you have him. The person to be afraid of is the One the Man talks to. Do you understand what I’m saying? You need to understand, if not you will be having Cinderella’s marriage. It will be rotten under. You don’t know anything. So you must understand.
Many people are checking. ‘If I get married, will I still have my privacy? We are not saying that you should begin to live like people from different worlds, we are saying that it is actually normal that in marriage, you still need your space. Now, I stand primarily in the Office of a prophet. I am going to explode every day if I don’t have those alone moments with God. Like I want to tear open. When you look at the fact that I can go for 6 straight weeks ministering from different places to places and the results are consistent. There are healings, testimonies and all that. Don’t you think there is a lifestyle that is required for that? I think one of my greatest fears when I was getting married was this space invasion thing. Church Gist. I think that was one of the most critical conversations we had. Like, ‘Hear oh woman of God, at least 3 hours. Help me’ So, when we got married, I noticed I was praying and I was troubled, like it is not landing and I know that’s God saying ‘Where is your wife? There is the prayer family prays together, there is family prayer but there is a prayer your office requires. Let me just leave this part. The reason why I have to leave it is because sometimes, the people who speak and fight, they don’t understand what we are saying and they speak from their own depth.
I’m not saying you should leave your wife behind. So, many times I go out, leave the Prayer room and I check, my wife is lying down at the door. I say ‘How will my prayer be answered? Like I’m stressing you’ So, what would I do? I leave the prayer. ‘God, I will come and meet you later’ ‘Okay, so how are you doing? This, this, this’ She says ‘I’m missing you’ ‘Ha!’
But never you think that because you want to fellowship, you want to pray, your woman now becomes a log of wood, saying an emotional woman is a demonic woman. ‘Na lie’ Don’t demonize women’s emotions. In fact, people who talk like that, you should be afraid if your wife is not emotional. Church Gist. You know in this generation we are particular about the Apostolic movement. You want to make it look like the Angels, they have fellowshipped with you, Angels were giving you jellof rice so your woman is…you will suffer. We talk nonsense. Wait till you are married for like 5 years then come back and talk. Until then, you don’t have any advice for the Body of Christ.
What I’m telling you is a serious matter and I see such things on social media. I see young boys, people that different girls are bouncing with no, they are going there, no wonder they will keep…they will give you no for life. You go there and say ‘Yes, when you are fellowshipping with the Cherubims and then one woman’ Cherubims? ‘So, for your mind now, you be spiritual Macho? Baba Adeboye no dey fellowship with Cherubims? They get four children, you think say them just dey prophesy children out?’ ‘We are the Custodian of the new…’ Yourself, you are Gamophobia, you are marriage phobia, when we hear you we now become…I see some of you, you go on such posts and like. Church Gist. What will even shock you to your bones is women liking it. Who did this to us? It’s normal for a woman to be emotional. It’s normal for a woman to want attention. It should be more dangerous when she is no longer asking for the attention. She has become another man. That’s not good for you. There are good problems in marriage. ‘My wife is clingy’ It’s good. It may be challenging but it’s good, manage it. But the one that can tell you, ‘You don’t even talk on phone for 1 week, I’m okay’ How? You saw one of the testimonies this Morning, he said ‘I want to thank God. Sometimes, I’m only able to talk to my wife till evening and then thank God…’ I heard the testimony and said ‘Correct guy’ If you are not married you will not understand that testimony. Marriage is marriage.
Many times, I’m in the middle of a service, I video call my wife and say ‘Hello, how are you doing?’ That one, that small 30 seconds to say ‘Hi, take care’, she will minister well. It’s not every time prayer point. Sometimes, wire her money. Say ‘Just use this one to hold body’ Every time you come back from a meeting, Encounter with Angels, Volume 1 to 12. Because you heard Bishop Oyedepo said he travelled out and the Wife said ‘What did you buy?’ He said ‘I bought books’ You too now said ‘Yes, I’m going to repeat it’ Suffer! At what stage in their marriage did he do that? You travelled to a whole America and said what I bought for you is books. Church Gist. Meanwhile, there are things you need, that the children need. you say, ‘I bought books’ You are not Bishop Oyedepo. No one will give you food (Them no go give you food) and I’m not saying that is right.
– Have you been helped?
On Tuesday, I will touch on what women are afraid of in men. We need to touch that.
Declarations:
– Thank you, Lord.
– I see God healing somebody’s emotions.
– He is draining somebody’s tears.
– You are recovering better and stronger.
– You are coming out of the grip of heartbreak caused by religious institutions.
– You are coming out.
– God is equipping and preparing you for the kind of future you need.
– He is giving you the wisdom, the strength, the empowerment that indeed anybody who finds you will say ‘I have found a good thing, I have obtained favour from God’
– He is making you wholesome on all sides.
– You are healthy. You have health on all sides in the name of Jesus.
– We clear out the debris, we clear out the issues. The backlogs of issues, we clear them out by the help of the Holy Spirit.
– We ask that the Balm of Gilead is mending hearts, encouraging people, strengthening you again in the name of Jesus.
-Empowered to do the will of God. Empowered in the name of Jesus.
-Marriages will work in the name of Jesus. You will know better and do better.
– Through the knowledge of the Spirit and His help, you will not repeat patterns in the name of Jesus.
– Thank you, blessed Father! In Jesus mighty name we have prayed.
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