IN THE FIRST 7 YEARS OF MY MARRIAGE, I WAS AN ANGRY, BITTER AND DISRESPECTFUL WIFE.
“The journey to a better me was a very tough one. I have memories of countless times I cried myself to sleep. I tried hard to be a better person. I prayed, I fasted yet I kept making the same mistakes. I just couldn’t stop myself from being angry, shouting and being disrespectful to my husband.”
In 2019, Pastor Eno Jerry was interviewed by Pastor Toyin Poju-Oyemade in her Talk Show, ‘Chapters’ where she spoke about her book, ‘I Almost Ruined My Marriage’, her true-life story to help people who might be facing similar challenges. The interview excerpt is as follows:
I got married at a young age. I was 19 when I met my husband, we went out for 5 years before we got married. The home I came from had a role to play with the way I was. I grew up in a home where you see your parents fight and I never knew that my mom was hot tempered.
It was after I wrote the book and I was telling her what I wrote because they saw it on Facebook; they were like, “what did she do?” My mom now called me on the phone, even my dad called me. My mom called me on the phone and I started telling her the contents of the book. She said, “well, it is really true. If it is going to help another family. Actually, in those days, I used to be very hot tempered.”
I never knew my mom was hot tempered, as children we just saw them fighting and thought that was how it was supposed to be.
Pastor Toyin Poju-Oyemade: I thank you for your openness and your vulnerability. Like I said at the beginning, these are the things that people don’t like to talk about…What are the things that you did?
In all of this, the role of the spouse is very important. These went on for 7 years, some people don’t survive these things for 1 to 3 years. Like you said, these are the things that cause separation and divorce in marriages. What were the steps you began to take?
Pastor Eno Jerry: My change started from the place of understanding (Proverbs 4:7). Understanding was where my own change came from because I just discovered that really all these things that I was doing was actually wrong. I came to that point where I saw a bigger picture of where God was taking me to, like my purpose in life. In order to fulfill whatever, it is, whether it is in marriage, having a peaceful home, there are emotional baggage that you shouldn’t carry into the marriage. Those were the things that I had to let go.
I prayed about it and kept asking God to help me. My husband was very helpful. I think if people had spouses whether husbands or wives like my husband, I think marriages would actually fulfill heaven on earth, if you want the heaven on earth kind of marriage. I stretched him but he was still there for me. He never went out to report me, because my Dad didn’t know all this until I wrote the book. He never badmouthed me nor talk about it.
He would always call me and tell me ways to handle anger.
He would say, “If you are angry, don’t speak. Learn how not to speak in anger.”
My facial expression: I started monitoring my face when I was angry.
You can’t just pray alone, we have to do practical things. So after you finish praying then the grace is available.
PRACTICAL STEPS
Listening effectively: even if you don’t understand what is being said, just say, “okay, give me some time to process it”. You don’t have to give a response per time.
Pride: It is still linked to anger. It is important to know what causes you to get angry. The root cause of the anger. For different people, it will be different things but a lot of time, it is pride. Most times when we get angry, we get angry because we think ‘this person shouldn’t talk to me like this’, ‘I shouldn’t be talked to like this’, ‘I shouldn’t be treated this way’. It is what you think or feel about yourself that you show.
When you come to that point whereby, ‘people can talk to me anyhow’, ‘they can treat me anyhow.’
You are not trying to be the one that is right. You are not trying to be the one that is correct. So anyhow, if you want to talk to me anyhow, so your ego just calms down.
Once you get to the point, you will see that it is easier for people to do things and you don’t get upset.
These were the practical things.
“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” – Proverbs 14:1
Sources: Eno Jerry Online, Toyin Poju-Oyemade Online
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