IF YOU WANT TO OPEN A MAN’S HEART, GIVE HIM RESPECT.
IF YOU WANT TO OPEN A WOMAN’S HEART, GIVE HER LOVE.
MEN LIKE SOLVING PROBLEMS BUT WHEN A WOMAN BECOMES A PROBLEM HE CANNOT SOLVE, HE’S GOING TO CHASE HIS PEACE AT ANY COST.
LADIES, STOP SEEING YOUR HUSBAND FROM WHERE HE IS, SEE HIM FOR WHO HE CAN BE.
WOMEN ARE GIVERS, ONCE YOU GIVE THEM SMALL, THEY’LL GIVE YOU MORE.
IF YOUR WIFE IS GIVING YOU PROBLEM, YOU NEED TO CHECK THE SEED YOU ARE SOWING.
- Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo at David’s Christian Centre Tagged ‘Pink and Blue’
Praise God.
Love is such a beautiful thing. We thank God for giving us the gift of love, for giving us the gift of marriage. Hallelujah, praise God. Are you excited this morning? Common let’s give the Lord a big hand.
Hallelujah! Praise God.
Please take your seat.
Glory to God.
That was such a good ministry. Somebody is wondering, why are singing love song in church? Where should we sing it? This is our marriage month, so we are teaching on marriage all through this month. So get used to this kind of things happening. Praise God.
I’m happy it was a husband and wife that sang this song. In fact, you guys should have given each other a soft kiss, that hug for translate to kiss. Church Gist.Look, it’s important because Satan too is pushing his own agenda. It’s important now for us to be showing people that it’s meant to be man and woman together because what Satan is pushing everywhere is man and man, woman and woman. There’s now confusion, something that wasn’t an issue before is now a big deep debate today. Are you here?
In fact, that’s why we are doing this series titled Pink and Blue because there’s a warfare going on now to confuse people about what the real idea of marriage is – big warfare. Church Gist. I started in the First service, I’m going to continue from where I stopped. If you want the full gist, you can get the message of the First service, it will be on YouTube and all that.
Praise God!
We began to establish the fact that God intentionally made mankind male and female (Genesis 1:27). The word man there is mankind; this first man here is not male, the first man here is mankind. Church Gist. So God created mankind in His image. So mankind together is the image of God; male and female is them separated. Praise the Lord.
There is nowhere in scripture where God talks to men and women the same. God clearly wants us to operate differently. The reason marriages are struggling is because we are not aware that men and women are different. Church Gist. You need to be aware that I am married to a different creature, totally different from me and this means that if we are two different creatures, it means my desires are not the same as hers, my goal post is not the same as hers. It will look like the same but it is not the same. Let me tell you why I said so; for instance, what a man calls happiness is not what a woman calls happiness. The goal post is different.
Why a man wants money is not the same reason why a woman wants money even though money is the goal but you see, the reason they want it is different. So you need to get this. Church Gist. This is why pink and blue is important because the big issue why marriages are crashing is because two people are entering, they do not realize that they both want different things and what happens most times; if we want different things, it means the day I get what I want, you will not get what you want, you will be sad. The day you get what you want, me I won’t get what I want, I will be sad. So for us to be happy, we need to understand each other, that’s the only way we can actually be happy together.
So there is nowhere in scripture where God talks to men and women the same, nowhere. Everywhere in scripture, when He is talking to them as regarding marriage, anywhere He talks to them, He addresses men differently from women, never gives them the same instruction. And everything I’m going to be teaching you in this month will either be backed by scripture, backed by science or backed by statistics. So, I’m not cooking it up because once in a while when we give these things, some people say; “okay, men are logical, women are emotional but I know one woman that is not emotional”. Yes, there will always be little, little exceptions but exceptions don’t cancel the rule.
At the level we are teaching, we’re talking about a broad number of women. If you have checked hundred women and 90 per cent of them are one way, the remaining ten or five that are not that way, they don’t cancel the ninety-five. The ninety-five shows that this is the bulk of how women think. So don’t get confused by the exceptions. The exceptions are always there.
So, God will hardly speak to them the same way. Every time He talks to them as regarding marriage, He’s always emphasizing different things because they are different.
Ephesians 5:22-13
This is what feminists have used to confused people. Church Gist. This gets them angry that wives, submit. Why should we submit? We read in the First service that the Bible said ascribe greatness to our God that He is the Rock. His ways are perfect and all His ways are just. God will never take sides with anyone. If you don’t hear the full story, if a feminist helps you to and sometimes these feminists I’m talking about, I’m not talking about dictionary definition of feminism. Dictionary definition of feminism, we are all feminists and we all should be feminists. Dictionary-wise, we are all feminists but I’m talking about people that have taken it to an extreme.
Okay, these are things these angry women want to push or even some men that; why should women submit, does it mean that women don’t have sense? That’s not what they are saying at all. Church Gist. They summarized the whole scripture in verse 33 (NIV). They said however, which is summary, each one of you (the men), you also must love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
This is the number need of men and women.
Number one need of a woman is love; number one need of a man is respect. Somebody may say it is a cultural thing, this place that I read now is from the Bible. It is not a cultural issue. Church Gist. “It’s a cultural thing, men in abroad don’t like respect”. I’m a coach, certified everywhere; America, Canada, everywhere. It is the same problem everywhere. Men abroad too, white men, they all like respect. So when some women hear respect, they think it means; Good morning ooo (Kneeling down). It is not inferiority.
Actually, men and women need respect, it’s just that what a woman translates as respect is different from what a man translates as respect. That’s what confuses them. They said if the number one need of a woman is love and the number one need of a man is respect, are you saying women don’t need respect and men don’t need love? That’s the argument. Church Gist. Everybody needs everything. Even my dog needs respect and love but you see, what my dog will translate as love is not what my wife would translate as love.
Sometimes, what a man will classify as love is you leaving him alone and on the other hand, what a woman will translate as love is you being with her. Do you see the problem now? So this is what confuses the people that don’t know what they’re saying. Everybody needs everything, as a matter of fact, every human being has both male and female inside them. Church Gist. The difference is just that for the male men, we have more of the male hormones. The males have what they call more of testosterone. Women have estrogen. Men too have estrogen, women too have testosterone, it is just that the women testosterone is at a very small level and the men estrogen too is at a very small level.
However, they found out that as a man gets older, his testosterone begins to drop. So two things happen to him as he gets older. When he gets older, his testosterone begins to drop so he either becomes more emotional; he now wants more attention. Church Gist. He wants his wife to be around him. That man that doesn’t like to cuddle, as he gets older, he won’t mind cuddling. He begins to be like a woman because his testosterone has reduced.
One of the things they found out helps his testosterone remain up is that he needs to keep either getting new work or continuing feeling relevant. This is why many men, when they stop working, they start dying because once their testosterone starts dying, what happens is that they are more likely to get depressed. Church Gist. So for many of them, if they can’t find work or they can’t manage being more emotional, what they do is that they leave their marriage and chase another woman. They must do something new – baseline.
Statistically, they found out that when these men leave their marriage and chase a young girl, you know it’s common. You’ll see one big man chasing a small girl. It refreshes men. I’m not saying you should do it; I’m telling you statistically, most of the behaviour we are seeing, there is a reason behind the behaviour. Church Gist. That’s why you see a multi billionaire, he’s chasing one small girl, he needs something new or else his testosterone level will drop. For you as a Christian, that’s not what you should do; you can look for new things to do for God.
That’s why as a man, men are activity prone, don’t reach a stage where you feel; “I’m not going to do something”. Men must always do. Men are doers, men need to keep doing. That’s how their juices flow. If they are not doing, remember the first man that was made was a natural hunter. Church Gist. He will not eat if he does not hunt. He is a doer, you must make him do and women, this is why God in a marriage gave a man a more proactive part of the marriage. If you challenge him with that part, he’s going to leave the marriage because he won’t see what he’s doing there.
God told him, love your wife and be a saviour to her. So what makes marriage work is when a man begins to see his wife as a project, if he doesn’t see her as a project, he will go and look for a project. If he doesn’t see making his wife happy as a project, he will go and look for another project because if not, his testosterone will keep dropping and it’s likely to lead him into depression. Men must do. Church Gist. So women, don’t fight the place God gave men in the marriage, it is the best way to keep them involved in a marriage. The moment you remove him and say we are equal; a man is not going to stay with you, you will stress him. It is the doing, men don’t mind problems because men like problem solving but when you become a problem he cannot solve, he’s going to chase his peace at any cost.
So there is a man and woman in every being. It’s just that women generally respond more to something; the way women see something. So love and respect, women number one need is to be loved; a man’s number one need is to be respected and by resect, I don’t mean that women don’t need respect, it doesn’t mean that men don’t need love. It’s that what men translate as love is still respect. Church Gist. They got like about hundred couples together that had problems, crisis, then they listed somethings, that they should describe how they feel about the challenges in the marriage and they put two sentences, one is; “I felt or I feel unloved”. The other one is; “I feel disrespected”. Eighty something per cent of the men chose “I feel disrespected” and ninety per cent of the women chose “I feel unloved”. Same problem, the way women see problem in marriage is, “you don’t love me”. The way men see problem in marriage is, “you don’t respect me”.
Not that women don’t need respect but what women view as respect is love and what men view as love is respect. So God was give us expo because He created human beings, He said look; “if you want to open your husband’s heart, give him respect and He told the man, if you want to open your woman’s heart, give her love”. Church Gist. A woman’s number one need is to be taken care of, that’s what we mean by love. Love is not just “I’m feeling jim-jim in my heart”. No! Because the Bible is specific about all these things. You must interpret Bible with Bible; you can’t use culture to interpret Bible. So when women see, wives submit to your husbands, let your husband be the head. They quickly translate it to culture. In culture, your head dominates, pushes everybody down, he has the final say but you see, in scripture, when you are the head, it means you should serve. Your problem with the scripture is that you are using your environment to interpret it. Being the head biblically; he that must be the head among you, let him serve.
Is there any woman here that won’t like to be served? So where is the argument coming from? Because somebody is interpreting it wrongly for you that you having a head means you are inferior. No! Everybody has a head, are you here somebody? If you are in church, there’s a head of this church but you have not complained one day. There is a head in your office, there’s a head everywhere. Church Gist. A head is just the Chief Responsibility Officer. Somebody we can hold accountable and God knows that the only way to get men participate is to hold them accountable. If you say men should be equal with women in a marriage, he will not have much because he’s a doer, he’s a problem solver. If you don’t give him the task to save this marriage, he’s not going to need the marriage.
Men are not good at sitting down and just looking. So women, God is for your good, the principles are for your good. Number one need of a woman is to be loved and like I said, that love is not just emotional I feel jim-jim, no! It means taking care of her. This is why more women have what they call daddy issues because that need for a woman starts from when she is a young girl. She has a close relationship with her father, she sees her father as her hero. Church Gist. It is hard to make a daughter hate her father. It is very hard because she needs that taking care of. That’s why a man in a marriage is called husband. Husband is from horse-boundary, somebody that takes care of – that’s the number one need of a woman.
Grooms man, somebody that grooms. A woman number one need is to be taken care of; women like to be taken care of. That’s why no matter how rich or how old a woman is, she won’t mind pampering. No matter how rich she is, she likes when somebody is caring for her. Church Gist. That’s her love language. Psychologist found out that calling a woman baby gets her emotion’s juices flowing. Baby is linked to baby and what do we do to our babies? We take care of them. Women like to be taken care of. That’s why no matter how rich a woman is, if you buy her something, she will be happy. The one you buy for her is always sweeter than the one she buys for herself even if she can afford it.
Why is synecology still reigning and will ever reign? Do you know why? For statistics, all you need to do for statistics is to open your window and look outside, what you see, how you see human beings behaving is a pointer to a need they are trying to meet. Everybody is going about meeting their need, there’s nobody going about confused, everybody is going about trying to meet a need in their lives. When you open your window and you see old men following small girls, very simple. What are those old men offering? They are offering care; those old men are treating those girls as their baby. “My baby what do you need?” She will say, “my phone is bad”. “Which one do you want, iPhone 11 or iPhone 12 or 13?”. She said 13. He said, I’m transferring it now.
On the other hand, what’s that baby offering? Respect. It doesn’t stress the man. If the man say I’m coming 4 o’clock today, that appointment is 4. If he can’t make it; “I couldn’t make it”. She will say; “ah, I miss you”. If it was your wife that you told you are coming 4 and you don’t make 4, what’s she going to do? She’s going to insult you because you missed your appointment. Church Gist. This is why on a normal day, without the grace of God and understanding, side chicks are not going to vanish anytime soon. They are meeting needs that many women are unwilling to meet and for the side chicks too, those rich men are meeting needs for them that many young men cannot meet. Many young men are hustling too much to have time to baby you. So that’s the problem, it’s not going anywhere, we can’t fast it away because they are mutually meeting needs for each other.
The ideal dream of a woman is to be doing a job that she likes at the pace she likes, at the time she likes so that she can have time to look beautiful. Church Gist. It is the reality; they are meeting needs that’s why they are striving. Anything that is not meeting any need will die natural death, you don’t have to fight it. I’m just describing to you the differences.
So a woman’s major need is to be taken care of, it starts from her father. That’s why if a woman have a bad relationship with her father, it affects her relationship with men for the rest of her life. Church Gist. We call it daddy issues in our industry, in therapy and counseling. Once a woman doesn’t have her fatherly love, not mother. What a man and a woman bring to a marriage is different. This is why God wants a man and a woman in a family, let’s be careful of the culture promoting single parenthood, it is not the ideal. I know some people are in it not by choice but please it is not the ideal. Let’s not celebrate it.
There’s a fatherly love; mothers and daughters, they hardly get along and even when they do, what they are supplying to each other is not the same thing as what the father will supply to a daughter and what a son gets from mother is different. Church Gist. My son, I was eating turkey the other day and my son came and said; “daddy give me your turkey”. I said bite small here, bite here and return it. If it was his mom and she has already eaten out of the turkey and he said; mummy give me turkey. My wife would give him the whole thing. That’s not the reality of how life works. A father brings reality; my brother, bite small. In some cases, he would say go and eat your food, leave this place.
A man also on the other hand gets much attached to his mother. This is why the main problem, okay, when people get married, who do they have problem with; father-in-law or mother-in-law? You see, there is a system. Check statistics, this doesn’t mean there are no troublesome father-in-law, once in a while, you will see them but more, you will see more trouble with mother-in-law. You know why? Church Gist. Women are territorial emotionally, men are territorial positionally. Women are threatened by anything that threatens their emotional attention. So, her son marrying another woman means; “I and this woman are going to compete for my son’s attention”. That’s the secret behind the problem. Anything she’s telling you is story. The real issue she has with you is that; “so now, is you he will be buying things for, is you he will be calling every morning?”
Men are more territorial positionally, men just want the position, men don’t want control. That’s why in most homes, it’s a woman that determines everything and yet they are the ones still arguing that why are men the head? Men wants position, if you take the only thing they have, more marriages will crash because that position is what’s keeping him there. Church Gist. If you take that one from him and this is what feminists don’t know they are causing. Check the statistics, more marriages are failing now than ever before and the numbers will keep going up. Why? Because as long as you push things that are against scriptural pattern, the structure will not hold. Men don’t need marriage, men need sex and as long as their merchants are providing sex, there will be less and less marriages.
There are merchants providing sex now. All the things that used to be a sole preserve of a married man, single men now can do them; cooking, domestic support, sex, all available. So why does a man need to cope with the drama and the complexity of living with a woman, he has no need for it. So don’t drag the small thing God gave him, which is position.
How you love a woman is by putting her first. You consider her in everything, you take care of her and help her. Once you love a woman like that, she will naturally submit. Women don’t have a problem with submission, they submit to their hairdresser, police, church, they submit everywhere. Church Gist. The only thing they have problem is whether you love them. If they realize that your decisions are based on the fact that you are thinking of their good, they will gladly submit.
On the other hand, a man’s number one need is respect, men like to be respected. This is not I knee down for him necessarily, men do things for honour, so let me use the word honour instead of respect. So when you see most men doing things like crate challenge or doing dangerous things, it’s for bragging right because the more dangerous you are as a man, the more the other men respect you and say: “this guy na bad guy”. Church Gist. Men do things for honour. The reason why a man wants money is not the reason why a woman wants money. A woman wants money for security and to take care of her family, a man wants money for respect because if he has respect, he has honour.
The average woman is taking care of not just her own immediate family, she’s taking care of her extended family, that’s why a woman wants money. Church Gist. A man can have money and even his own wife and kids are suffering, this is both locally and abroad. Men do things for honour, so if they come home and they don’t have honour, they will run to where they will get honour, respect and reverence.
There are many scriptures that confirm this – 1 Peter 3 says, hey women if your husband is troublesome, respect him the way Sarah respected Abraham whose daughter you are. By your respect, you will open his heart faster. God was just giving you expo; He was not giving you a command. It’s more of an expo; “My daughter, you are having issue with your husband, respect him. My son, you are having issues with your wife, give her love” and you need to find out what love means to her. Church Gist. For some women, love is “giving me attention”. For some women, love is “giving me companionship”, others, love is staying in one place. A man doesn’t need you every day in his life but a few times he’s taking to you, he wants you to listen to men because men fight out there for everything they get, they don’t want to come home and still fight for respect.
Another story in scripture, Abigail and David. David married different wives, the first wife was Michal, they gave him that wife when he won a battle, she was like most feminist kind of women. She saw David dancing because of God and she came and said, “see the king disgracing himself, dancing and his clothes is falling in front of the maidens” she spoke rudely to him. She could have ever made her observation in a polite way and that’s the mistake women make. Church Gist. Women let me tell you the reason why you are so disrespectful to you husband: it is because love and respect for you goes together. You usually will love who you respect and you will respect who you love. If women can’t respect you, they find it hard to love you. This is why most women love the top men wherever they are, there’s always women that love the boss because they respect him so their love naturally wants to go there.
David met another woman called Abigail, Abigail knelt down when she met David, called him lord about ten times in one conversation. When she finished with David, David told them, collect her number. She was married, David was married but that encounter changed his life forever. He had never met a woman so respectful. She knelt down to talk to him. He was not a king then, he was an area boy but he was soon to be king. Church Gist. Abigail prophesied to him about his future. Ladies, stop seeing your husband from where he is, see him for who he can be and you are the crown maker, you are the king maker. Because the Bible says, a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband’s head. You have been talking down at him, start speaking up to him. Tell him; “you are more than this, you are greater than this, I see greatness in you”. Even when he is not behaving respectfully, respect him.
Do you know in Joel chapter 2 and in Acts Chapter 2, where they talked about the Holy Ghost coming on people: for men, they will see vision and dream dreams. For women, they will prophesy. The Bible did not say women will see dreams. As a woman, you become adaptable, the same woman that can marry a kidnapper and be the best kidnapper’s wife, if she marries Daddy G.O, she will become the best Mummy G.O. She’s born with adaptability. Church Gist. So when the Holy Ghost comes, He will give men dreams and visions, women the ability to prophesy. That’s what Abigail unleashed. She saw David and said, you will be king one day, I don’t want you to mess your hand by killing this man. She was able to appealed to David the right way.
When David finished, he said, collect her number and her Facebook and Instagram account. The moment she just posted the obituary of her husband, immediately, David sent her a DM and said sorry for your loss. The Lord will use me to comfort you. Church Gist. She showed respect, men like respect. This is why most affairs happen between where there’s natural respect; boss, subordinate, Oga and house help because respect is flowing smoothly there. The way baby makes a woman juice to flow, yes Sir makes a man’s juice to flow.
As a woman, you must master the art of respect, as a man you must master the art of love, love is putting her first. Like today, my wife told me that there is one movie premiere, that will you come with me? If you know anything, I’m a football fan, this evening Man city is flogging Liverpool. I want to watch that match, Man city and Liverpool is rivalry match, it’s war. Church Gist. I have travelled many times to go and watch that match live in Anfield stadium, to tell you how serious it is and fortunately, I didn’t get ticket on the Man city side of the stand, the only ticket I could find was among Liverpool fans so I couldn’t wear my jersey and those Liverpool fans are very annoying, they don’t sit down. How do you come for match, pay for seat and stand throughout and if anyone around you is standing, it means you can’t see except you stand, so we stood for 90 minutes. It’s a serious match, Man city and Liverpool match is today and whoever wins will be at the top of the lead table. So my wife told me yesterday that there is one movie premiere, will you go with me? What’s a woman number one need? Care, love and attention. So I said “I’m going to come”. Now, around that time I will do pity face. If she say, no, it seems like you don’t want to go. I will say “Ah, I want to go”. If she releases me, I’ll watch my match happily but if she really wants me to go still, I will forfeit the match. I’ve already emotionally disconnected with the march so that I can go with her because she doesn’t ask me to go to places with her often. So this time that she is asking me to go, I have to go. That is what care means to a woman, that’s what love means to a woman. Church Gist. She wants to know that she is more special and more important than every other thing to you. It’s so simple. The goalposts for men and women are different. This is why you can’t place your work above your wife. She needs to know “I’m more important”. Once she knows, she can even release you to go and do anything you want to do. The way my wife is now, if she knows I really want to watch this match and I’m dressing up to follow her, she can even say, “but you really want to watch this match abi?” That’s women for you, you just have to show that you are willing. Women are givers, once you give them small, they’ll give you more. That’s why if your wife is giving you problem, you need to check the seed you are sowing. Women are lovers naturally. Are you here somebody?
So number one need of women is to be loved and the number one need of men is to be respected.
Hallelujah!
Have you been blessed this morning? Let’s give the Lord a big hand.
Hallelujah!
#PastorKingsleyOkonkwo
#David’sChristianCentre
#WomenNeedLoveandMenNeedRespect
#PinkandBlue10Oct2021
#LoveandRespect
#SavingMarriages
#ChurchGist
