A WOMAN SPEAKS POETICALLY.
WHEN SHE SAYS LEAVE ME, SHE IS SAYING SHOW ME THAT YOU WANT ME.
WOMEN BY NATURE SPEAK POETICALLY WHILE MEN SPEAK LITERALLY.
AS A MAN, YOU CAN’T HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SIGN LANGUAGE.
WHENEVER YOUR WIFE IS HAVING THOSE BOUTS THAT MAKE HER REMEMBER THE PAST, THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO GO TO THE PAST WITH HER. DON’T TRY TO FORCE HER TO MOVE ON.
- Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo at David’s Christian Centre Tagged ‘Pink and Blue’.
Praise God.
But the whole concept and context of the series we have been doing are not just to give you information about men and women being different, the whole concept is that when you understand that men and women are different, you begin to understand how your partner sees life, sees situations and that helps you meet their needs. Church Gist. You can’t meet the need of someone when you don’t understand their needs.
Once you understand how a woman sees things and how a man sees things you now act with that information. There is no way you can be happy in marriage without understanding that.
So that is the whole concept of these series. Church Gist. It’s to make you understand the difference and also to bridge the gap.
It changed my whole life when I began to understand how women process things. Church Gist. So, you begin to understand how you even use your words because the way men process words is not the way women process words.
And I also established that generally there would be few exceptions but when you look at the bulk, as professionals what we do is that we consider the bulk. Church Gist. Even if it’s 80 per cent of men that think like this, it is safe to say that men think like that. Do you understand?
The first week we talked about love and respect. We said a woman’s number one need is to be loved, a man’s number one need is to be respected and somebody said it is a cultural thing. It’s not a cultural thing, it is a scriptural thing. Ephesians 5:33 (NIV).
The Person that created human beings and created marriage gave that advice.
We also established last week that women are family-oriented and men are work-oriented. Church Gist. We established that the first thing God gave Adam was work and the first thing God gave Eve was a family. Church Gist. So, since that time men are generally work-oriented .
A man will be at his best when he is trying to protect his job; men can change to keep their job but they won’t change to keep their marriage.
Women are family-oriented. A woman is at her best when she is trying to protect her family, her strongest strength is built.
Women deal with problems by confronting them, while men deal with problems by running from them.
Men only deal with problems they can’t run from.
Men are forward-oriented, a man’s favorite statement is, we need to move on.
Women are past-oriented, a woman’s favorite statement is, we need to talk.
The woman is more intense and emotional about the problem.
So what is the wisdom point in all these? Whenever your wife is having those bouts that she is going to the past, the best thing to do is to go to the past with her. Church Gist. Don’t try to force her to move on, she is going to resist. So go to the past with her, talk about what happened, not in a defensive way. There are basic rules I gave for communication:
Don’t defend.
Don’t debate.
Don’t dismiss.
Don’t disagree.
These things will make her talk more if your aim is to make her not to talk more. Church Gist. Don’t do any of these four things.
Women have a bigger memory, scientifically proven. That is why they go to the past, the reason they store those things is because the memory is big.
A Man doesn’t have big memory. Church Gist. So even if he wanted to store, he really don’t have where to store it. That is why men are always saying let’s move forward.
A woman will remember everything; what happened at the wedding, how they felt.
Most men don’t remember anything, the only thing they remember is all the money they saw being spent. Church Gist. He doesn’t remember any other thing at the wedding.
For you as the man, as I said, go with her to the past if you need to go with her to the past, that is how she will get healed. Church Gist. She will feel better if she feels in touch with the past.
So, go with her, don’t try to drag her from it. Once she can see that you have come with her to the past and you are okay with the past, she will be okay and she will move forward.
The more you try to force her out of it, she will be like you have not gotten it yet. And she feels a need to make you get it.
They nag because they feel you don’t understand yet, once you understand, they come out of it. Church Gist. So if you want her to quickly understand, quickly follow her to the past.
You don’t win a woman in an argument, the reason you don’t win a woman in an argument is she is not even talking
based on facts.
Women use words to communicate feelings. When a woman is talking, what she is trying to do is to communicate how she feels.
During any heated arguments, she may tell you, ” I know that you don’t love me”.
You will say, me? Me that bought you shoes, bags and still trying my best to take care of the family.
She didn’t necessarily mean you don’t love her, what she meant was, she doesn’t feel loved at that moment.
So, women use words to communicate feelings and not just facts.
Not that they don’t know facts but they are not in that conversation for facts, they are just trying to communicate how they feel. Church Gist. So, don’t go there trying to debate with her, you are wasting your time, you will never win, instead quickly try to decode what is the feeling she is trying to communicate. Church Gist. Once you get the feeling she is trying to communicate, what you should give as a man? Give reassurance, give encouragement, give sympathy.
So, if she is saying “I don’t feel loved”, what you should do is that, honey you know I love you. That is what she wants, she wants reassurance but most men will be debating.
She needs to know that you understand what she is feeling, so show that you understand, let her know you understand how she feels.
And women don’t need solutions most times when they are complaining, they can figure out things themselves. They need to talk, talking is a need for a woman. Church Gist. It is not a need for a man, men need to think, thinking is what is a need for a man. That is why a man can internalize, is somebody getting it?
The wisdom point is to know how to react.
For you as a woman, try and minimize the bouts of you going into the past that you have, it will come sometimes but try and minimize it. So that you won’t do disrespectful things and hurtful things because of a temporary phase you are in. Even though there are many things in that box, try and select the ones you think he can handle. Don’t bring things that will break him because if men get discouraged, they self-destruct.
So, as a woman once in a while be willing to move forward and as a man once in a while be willing to move backward.
Women speak poetically, men speak literally.
How does that work? Women generally by nature speak poetically, women don’t speak ‘straightforward’. Men on the other hand speak very literally. We are literal beings. So as a man, you can’t have a good marriage if you don’t understand sign language or poetry because the way a woman is wired generally, she is not a literal being. Church Gist. That is why the first words that Eve heard were poetic words, they were not literal words even though they had literal connotations.
Adam said, “she is the bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”, that is a poem.
A poem to many men doesn’t make sense but women understand the concept of a poem. So, women speak poetically. So what do l mean by this? If a woman says leave, I am talking about it in a marriage context. The average man thinks okay, let me leave you for now but for most women when they are saying leave me, they mean don’t leave me. Church Gist. So when she says leave me, she is saying show me that you want me.
So you must understand sign language when she is saying something, you will say, what does she really mean? Remember, women use words to communicate feelings, that leave me is how she feels.
I did this for many years, when my wife says leave me, I will say okay.
Because when men are stressed, they want to be isolated.
When she says I am not talking to you, she wants you to pursue her. Women want to feel wanted. Church Gist. And the only way she can feel wanted is when you pursue her.
So when she is walking about in the house banging things, feeling muddy, most men don’t know what to do.
When she is doing that, she needs attention.
You know in the Bible days when the man gets married, they said he should take one year off work to cheer up his wife. Church Gist. women needs cheering up, you need to make your wife laugh once a day, at least many more. Those of us that are funny, we do more than once a day but the average guy that is not funny, at least make a fool of yourself or tell her something funny once a day.
Their emotional composition easily goes to the stress mode and stress mode kills women literally. Church Gist.This is why it is not fair to be pushing women to work at the pace men do. Men brag about who is more stressed and who is working harder.
That stress of work reduces our own testosterone, makes us feel better. That kind of stress doesn’t help women. Church Gist. Oxytocin is released when a woman has a good family life. Oxytocin helps women’s immune systems.
She speaks poetically, you speak literally. Talking heals for her, this is the reason why you must be in touch with your wife. Headache can go just by you saying I love you to your wife.
You must understand sign language, when your wife needs sex, she won’t tell you I need sex, you must understand sign language.
When I interviewed Banky W, he shared a very interesting story, you know he was into politics and a lot of things. Church Gist. There was a period in his life where he was so busy, he was doing politics and business and everything and one day he just noticed his wife was looking depressed and sad and he was already on his way out to work and the Holy Spirit just told him go and spend time with his wife, your wife needs attention. He just removed his clothes, entered the bed and cuddled her and she began to cry. Church Gist. She has been needing that attention for a long time. And the interesting thing about a woman is she doesn’t need all of your time, she just need your full attention. There is a difference, once you give her attention she is okay. So she doesn’t need all of your time, she needs all of your attention.
So that singular act that Banky did by rescheduling all his morning appointments by removing his clothes and getting back into bed to cuddle with his wife after one or two hours of that he is free to go for two weeks. She won’t care, she has gotten the reassurance she needs that she is important.
Plan a date night, it doesn’t make any sense for you not to plan a date night. Church Gist. Take your wife out, women place a high priority on good family life. That is why most women, their family life may not be good but they will want to pose that it is good.
Men do the same thing but as regards work. Things are not going fine but he wants to pose as if they are going well.
So for you women, the other side is take your husband literal. When he says there is nothing wrong, then there is nothing wrong, leave him. Don’t say, this one he says it is okay, does he mean he is not okay because me as a woman when I say I am okay, I am not okay.
He is just worried that Arsenal is not doing well. You, you are thinking, is something wrong with our marriage?. No, he is not just happy with Premiership and not you.
And learn to appeal to logic more than you appeal to his emotions because if you want to move him faster to action appeal to his logic and not his emotions.
I will end with this, there is a message I titled the unforgettable man and the unforgettable woman. It is from the story of Abigail and David. So David was going to kill Abigail’s family, Abigail heard about it and went to stop David on the way. Church Gist. She brought food and everything for David and his men and showed respect that I talked about. She knelt down when she wanted to talk to David, then she told David there is no need for you to come and dirty your hands by killing ‘this useless man’, that you know that you are going to be king one day, people will now use this thing to be spoiling your name. Church Gist. She didn’t say don’t come and kill my family if you kill my family, I will be a widow if they kill us my children will be orphans because that is a woman’s first reaction, they try to get you emotional.
She appealed to his logic, look you are going to be king, this thing will dirty your hands, you are bigger than this.
So the same happens when you want to communicate with your husband, appeal to his logic not necessarily to his emotions.
As I told you men don’t understand play fight, don’t do play fight with your man. Church Gist. Just tell him how you feel and why you feel so.
If you are angry, don’t dramatize, just tell him. He doesn’t understand that code language.
My wife bought a book early in our marriage that helped her. The book is titled ” Men don’t read minds, they read newspapers”.
Women always expect men to read their minds. As you are frowning you think he should know why you are frowning. No, he thinks you are just meditating.
So if you are upset, without being overly emotional just tell him, this thing you did I didn’t like it. If you get overly emotional, he will even be interested in defending the emotions than defending the facts.
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